babies are pure creative energy, gifts from the universe

Starting a new service in an institution such as a hospital is a bit of a slow process for this gal who is rather used to keeping quite busy. I am staring at that turtle tattoo on my right foot and trying to remember her lessons. Keep still, pay attention to the vibrations, and when the time is right to move forward then poke out your head and move. Slowly. Can you even imagine how slowly a turtle must move on the frozen tundra? Maybe I need another symbol.

There is always the raven. I watched two of them from my window for a while. Amazing creatures really. They were walking around a bit but mostly just sitting there on the roof, gazing about and speaking now and again. There is no doubt in my mind that they are talking. They don't talk a lot, just the occasional word or two. That was me at work this past week. Quite mostly, lots of sitting and gazing about, watching, listening with the occasional squak! just to remind them that I am there and I have got something worth hearing to say. It is lonely here for a midwife. I sense that the doctors do not really want to let me in... don't really know how.

Last night I had an amazing dream. I was in a hospital, beside the bed of a woman who had just given birth. Her mother and her Aunty were there too. We were in a crowded hallway but there was a big empty room nearby. I asked a nurse if we could use the empty room. She hesitated but finally agreed saying that we could only have it for a little while. As I wheeled the mother's bed into the empty room I was thinking that we would not leave it until we were good and ready. That we absolutely had the right to be in that room. The baby was like a baracuda, rooting, latching, sucking as if its life depended on it. It was trying to latch on to the grandmother but she knew she couldn't feed it. The mom was moving around, restless, unable to keep still, all over the bed like a wild horse. I took the baby from the gramma and helped it to latch onto this restless wild woman. The aunty was in the room, but not fully present, dressed in "professional" clothing and busy with her hand held communication device. At one point I kind of freaked out on this mom cause she was lying on her side and right on top of the baby, it seemed as if she was oblivious to it. I thought she was crushing it but no it was still latched and sucking hard! She was unable to keep still. But nothing was going to stop this kid from getting what it needed. As the dream ended the baby was lying on the pillow beside her head and somehow still latched and sucking! Anatomically impossible even with really stretchy breasts and nipples! The mom reassured me that the baby was okay.

So here is what I have come to after thinking about this dream off and on all day. I am the slightly overwhelmed midwife, impressed by the power of this baby to get what it needs. I am the grandmother with the dry empty breasts and I am the restless woman who has given birth to this voracious baby and now must nurture it. Sometimes I will be overwhelmed by this work and sometimes I will feel completely empty and dry. Sometimes I will be restless and pacing with impatience but through it all the baby (this midwifery project) will latch and suck and grow. Maybe we won't get much help from the nurse and the aunty but still the baby will thrive. Valerie thinks that the baby ending up at my head is significant. She reminds me that heads contain the brain and have two eyes, two ears and only one mouth... do more listening and observing (and thinking) than talking. This baby needs careful thought, careful planning... it must not get crushed under the body of this restless mother. I must stay focused on the project, the goal, Inuit midwives caring for Inuit birthing women and Inuit babies...

Gina, if you are reading this, I have not forgotten your very excellent question. I am pondering it and my fingers will ramble over the keyboard again soon with some kind of answer.

Thank you to everyone who found the time to read my first post and thanks especially to all who commented either here in the blog sphere or else by personal email. Your support and encouragement mean a lot to me.